It would be absolutely brilliant, and would have categories like “Exclusion Zone Radius (metres)”, “Reason for punishment: ‘Spitting’ ” and “Behaviour Order length: Three years”.

I’m going to patent this idea, I think it would sell like mad!

Whilst going around the ice rink, I had the pleasure of a 14 year old girl pinching my arse (I’m 22 – and definitely not into that kind of thing) and then trying to deny that she did it by not looking at me

Still, we had the most fun playing “knock the chav over”. It’s a simple game, but quite rewarding.

Basically, you get little goits, who can skate much better than myself, who tear around the ice getting in everyone’s way. Occassionally one of these will get in your way, or carve you up. At this point, you take the opportunity to “make them fall over”.

I hit the score board first, when a hood-rat managed to skate sideways in front of me as he wasn’t looking where he was going. I grabbed him, so that I didn’t fall over (it was a big collision). He went over, I didn’t. Score one for me.

At the end of the day, myself, Trevor and Rachelle, all had one take-down each, and our friend James had a healthy score of 2 (although he claims it was only one). Tom, unfortunately, failed to score – better luck next time.

Twelve Chavvers chavving
Eleven prammers pushing
Ten lads joy-riding
Nine ladies drinking
Eight midriffs showing
Seven Scallies stealing
Six teens a-laying
Five gold rings
Four stolen phones
Three naval studs
Two tracksuit tops
And a Pikey in Burberry

Merry Christmas!